Yesterday Mandy had oral surgery and her face is swollen triple the size. She's taking it surprisingly well. She's staying with my Mom for a few days with the baby so she can have some help and recover. I spent the night with her over there to help and spend some time with them. It was nice. Alyssa is growing up which is fun stuff...she's beautiful.

I picked Zan up at the airport in my pajamas, we came back to my Moms to have pancakes, sausage, and eggs to welcome him home. That made me really happy; then he went home to unwind. I just got back not too long ago so we could hang out before I go babysit my Mikaela for the night. I'm checking email and stuff while he plays his video game.

I'll be back over my Mom's to help and hang out some more tomorrow so while the baby is sleeping tonight I'm going to be studying for my last math exam on Monday (and study some for my Final Exams which is at the end of the month).

I can not believe I've waited so long to update this thing. I really haven't been feeling the whole communication thing in general.

Kim chopped off all my hair (about 10 inches or more) and did a Keratin Smoothing System for me. I could not be happier! My whole life I've wanted to know what it felt like to have a normal person's head of hair. lol. I've wanted short hair for about 3 years, but didn't think it was possible b/c of my curly, frizz-ball, of what I had to call, hair. Now I can wash my hair and not HAVE to immediately gel up and get my hands all sticky or even blow dry straight. I can have it either way I want, when I want to do it. Kim did an EXCELLENT job...as always. Thanks, Kim, for making another one of my dreams come true!!!!!!!!!

Mandy got her hair cut as well (probably about 12 inches) and she looks amazing!! She looks like such a grown up mommy. We got our hair cut together which was special. She holds a special place in my heart and it was nice to do such a big change together.

I would like to send out a HUGE thank you to Starr who has let me use her fish tank and helped me get my fish family started. Your advise and assistance is priceless. (I definitely want a couple medium ones.)

Savanna got saved last Wednesday and has brought her grades up. I'm very proud of her and pray that she continues to strive to do better. She's also coming to terms about some troubling things and it's helping her grow and find some peace.We talk more being that she can relate to me and know I've been where she is now, whereas before, she felt alone and the only one who had ever felt the way she felt. I love my family very much and the happier and well they're doing the richer I feel.

As for the rest of my updates....tomorrow...b/c this thing is way too long for one post.

I'm watching I'm Still Here. This documentary is so hard to watch. I can not say anymore until I process.

It is so true what a friend of mine said about as you get older you seem to be less passionate about things you can not control. I have noticed a little of that these past couple of years. Weird how you think you're all grown up, but want to and pretend to still be "the little girl" and have all the good intentions and "greater good" at heart. That was me before the accident. So much has changed. I mostly did what my heart told me to and what I thought was "right" or at least ok regardless how it may have looked to others or how it may come back to slap me. Honesty and world balance was my everyday task. Perfection was my everyday goal.

YUK! Don't you just hate that type? I mean really, who the hell did I think I was? I guess I thought of myself pretty damn special because I thought that I could change the world and save everyone from injustice.

Every house chore had to be done on time and perfect and anyone who took it upon themselves to pitch in while in my presence, I felt an overwhelming heap of guilt.

-------- What the HELL is that all about. ---------

My makeup always had to be on and as perfect as possible, as did my clothes. I had to try to look my best ALWAYS or I felt I was doing something wrong or was being lazy.

I had to work my ASS off to feel I was not worthless. I had to work, work, work. Always on the go doing something productive or doing something for someone.

TV was the devil...lol...simply because I had to sit still, but if I was spending time with someone it was ok...only in small doses.

Crazy!!!!

Everything I did HAD to be perfect or I was simply below average.

Had to make everyone in my presence happy and content and knowing that I was capable of helping in any way possible.

If anyone was mad or upset, I did not know the difference between them being upset in general and venting or being upset with me because I hadn't fixed everything.

I was absolutely miserable with any kind of negativity and I felt it very intensely.

I did not know that this was in fact being a "drama queen". I always had drama going on, but I thought because I didn't talk about it I was just reaching out to others. Most of the drama in my life was my fault, because I would step to the plate thinking I was going to hit a home run. Unfortunately there were way too many times I stepped up with no bat in site (for those that prefer bluntness...that's called ignorance).

;P

A reminder from God:

The beauty of My Kingdom is in its growth. Spend no time thinking of failures. Count lessons learned as rungs in a ladder. Step up.

(Copied from this website: http://www.bravelife.org/quotes.html )

Someone just recently asked me, "how do you stay so strong?". I did not know how to reply. I simply said I didn't know because I really do not see what it is that you or anybody else perceives as strength. I only do what I believe and I apply this belief to myself only, not to others. I can justify everyone's actions to a point, but there's just no room or time for me to do that for myself.

I look at it this way: Who else is going to encourage myself to improve more than I? No one REALLY cares. People can wish me well and they can pray for me (extremely appreciated) and they can even say and do little things to show me they support me (can be quite rare), but no one is going to directly benefit more than I, so who is going to push me harder or discipline me more than I? This is MY life. No one else is responsible for it. I have to live through it, I have to cherish it, I have to work my ass off for it, and I HAVE to survive because there ARE NO other options.

I do see myself as strong, but not extraordinary. I see, hear and read of stronger. I've been in the presence of people and literally FEEL their strength. You HAVE to have strength just to live in this world. EVERYONE has problems and things they have to pull through. Some have harder one's to pull through than others, but is pulling their strength from the same place as everyone else.

Where it differs is your beliefs and morals, that's where it changes.

Someone who believes revenge is priority and ultimate rebirth, they'll do what it takes to SURVIVE. Thousands may disagree, thousands may think that person is one of the strongest alive for conquering the battle, and thousands may think they're the weakest for letting something that was wrong to begin with bring them so low or even destroy them.

Someone who believes that forgiveness is the best thing for everyone throughout their lives along with constant improving inward and outward is priority and ultimate rebirth, they'll do what it takes to SURVIVE. Thousands may disagree, thousands may think that person is the strongest they've known for always getting back up on their feet and starting over with no hate in their heart, thousands may think they're the weakest for always letting others get away, for allowing themselves to get in the situations that knock them off their feet to begin with and for standing up to move on instead of standing up to fight.

It all depends on YOUR perceiption, neither one is wrong and neither one is right, they both simply ARE.

Beliefs are our strongest assets because no one can take them away and because they navigate our life's path.

Am I strong? Yes, I'd like to think so. I believe we ALL are strong.

Congrats to everyone for surviving another day!

P.S. Hope this answers your question and no I haven't decided completely yet on that issue, but I know where my heart is leaning, I just need a few more additional info first.

Singing my thoughts that are unspeakable.