Inquisitive Fairies

2009-04-18T16:19:00.001-07:00

Yesterday Mandy had oral surgery and her face is swollen triple the size. She's taking it surprisingly well. She's staying with my Mom for a few days with the baby so she can have some help and recover. I spent the night with her over there to help and spend some time with them. It was nice. Alyssa is growing up which is fun stuff...she's beautiful.

I picked Zan up at the airport in my pajamas, we came back to my Moms to have pancakes, sausage, and eggs to welcome him home. That made me really happy; then he went home to unwind. I just got back not too long ago so we could hang out before I go babysit my Mikaela for the night. I'm checking email and stuff while he plays his video game.

I'll be back over my Mom's to help and hang out some more tomorrow so while the baby is sleeping tonight I'm going to be studying for my last math exam on Monday (and study some for my Final Exams which is at the end of the month).

2009-04-05T21:03:00.000-07:00

I can not believe I've waited so long to update this thing. I really haven't been feeling the whole communication thing in general.

Kim chopped off all my hair (about 10 inches or more) and did a Keratin Smoothing System for me. I could not be happier! My whole life I've wanted to know what it felt like to have a normal person's head of hair. lol. I've wanted short hair for about 3 years, but didn't think it was possible b/c of my curly, frizz-ball, of what I had to call, hair. Now I can wash my hair and not HAVE to immediately gel up and get my hands all sticky or even blow dry straight. I can have it either way I want, when I want to do it. Kim did an EXCELLENT job...as always. Thanks, Kim, for making another one of my dreams come true!!!!!!!!!

Mandy got her hair cut as well (probably about 12 inches) and she looks amazing!! She looks like such a grown up mommy. We got our hair cut together which was special. She holds a special place in my heart and it was nice to do such a big change together.

I would like to send out a HUGE thank you to Starr who has let me use her fish tank and helped me get my fish family started. Your advise and assistance is priceless. (I definitely want a couple medium ones.)

Savanna got saved last Wednesday and has brought her grades up. I'm very proud of her and pray that she continues to strive to do better. She's also coming to terms about some troubling things and it's helping her grow and find some peace.We talk more being that she can relate to me and know I've been where she is now, whereas before, she felt alone and the only one who had ever felt the way she felt. I love my family very much and the happier and well they're doing the richer I feel.

As for the rest of my updates....tomorrow...b/c this thing is way too long for one post.

2009-03-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

I'm watching I'm Still Here. This documentary is so hard to watch. I can not say anymore until I process.

2008-09-05T12:10:00.001-07:00

It is so true what a friend of mine said about as you get older you seem to be less passionate about things you can not control. I have noticed a little of that these past couple of years. Weird how you think you're all grown up, but want to and pretend to still be "the little girl" and have all the good intentions and "greater good" at heart. That was me before the accident. So much has changed. I mostly did what my heart told me to and what I thought was "right" or at least ok regardless how it may have looked to others or how it may come back to slap me. Honesty and world balance was my everyday task. Perfection was my everyday goal.

YUK! Don't you just hate that type? I mean really, who the hell did I think I was? I guess I thought of myself pretty damn special because I thought that I could change the world and save everyone from injustice.

Every house chore had to be done on time and perfect and anyone who took it upon themselves to pitch in while in my presence, I felt an overwhelming heap of guilt.

-------- What the HELL is that all about. ---------

My makeup always had to be on and as perfect as possible, as did my clothes. I had to try to look my best ALWAYS or I felt I was doing something wrong or was being lazy.

I had to work my ASS off to feel I was not worthless. I had to work, work, work. Always on the go doing something productive or doing something for someone.

TV was the devil...lol...simply because I had to sit still, but if I was spending time with someone it was ok...only in small doses.

Crazy!!!!

Everything I did HAD to be perfect or I was simply below average.

Had to make everyone in my presence happy and content and knowing that I was capable of helping in any way possible.

If anyone was mad or upset, I did not know the difference between them being upset in general and venting or being upset with me because I hadn't fixed everything.

I was absolutely miserable with any kind of negativity and I felt it very intensely.

I did not know that this was in fact being a "drama queen". I always had drama going on, but I thought because I didn't talk about it I was just reaching out to others. Most of the drama in my life was my fault, because I would step to the plate thinking I was going to hit a home run. Unfortunately there were way too many times I stepped up with no bat in site (for those that prefer bluntness...that's called ignorance).

;P

2008-08-25T11:45:00.000-07:00

A reminder from God:

The beauty of My Kingdom is in its growth. Spend no time thinking of failures. Count lessons learned as rungs in a ladder. Step up.

(Copied from this website: http://www.bravelife.org/quotes.html )

2008-04-17T15:35:00.000-07:00

Someone just recently asked me, "how do you stay so strong?". I did not know how to reply. I simply said I didn't know because I really do not see what it is that you or anybody else perceives as strength. I only do what I believe and I apply this belief to myself only, not to others. I can justify everyone's actions to a point, but there's just no room or time for me to do that for myself.

I look at it this way: Who else is going to encourage myself to improve more than I? No one REALLY cares. People can wish me well and they can pray for me (extremely appreciated) and they can even say and do little things to show me they support me (can be quite rare), but no one is going to directly benefit more than I, so who is going to push me harder or discipline me more than I? This is MY life. No one else is responsible for it. I have to live through it, I have to cherish it, I have to work my ass off for it, and I HAVE to survive because there ARE NO other options.

I do see myself as strong, but not extraordinary. I see, hear and read of stronger. I've been in the presence of people and literally FEEL their strength. You HAVE to have strength just to live in this world. EVERYONE has problems and things they have to pull through. Some have harder one's to pull through than others, but is pulling their strength from the same place as everyone else.

Where it differs is your beliefs and morals, that's where it changes.

Someone who believes revenge is priority and ultimate rebirth, they'll do what it takes to SURVIVE. Thousands may disagree, thousands may think that person is one of the strongest alive for conquering the battle, and thousands may think they're the weakest for letting something that was wrong to begin with bring them so low or even destroy them.

Someone who believes that forgiveness is the best thing for everyone throughout their lives along with constant improving inward and outward is priority and ultimate rebirth, they'll do what it takes to SURVIVE. Thousands may disagree, thousands may think that person is the strongest they've known for always getting back up on their feet and starting over with no hate in their heart, thousands may think they're the weakest for always letting others get away, for allowing themselves to get in the situations that knock them off their feet to begin with and for standing up to move on instead of standing up to fight.

It all depends on YOUR perceiption, neither one is wrong and neither one is right, they both simply ARE.

Beliefs are our strongest assets because no one can take them away and because they navigate our life's path.

Am I strong? Yes, I'd like to think so. I believe we ALL are strong.

Congrats to everyone for surviving another day!

P.S. Hope this answers your question and no I haven't decided completely yet on that issue, but I know where my heart is leaning, I just need a few more additional info first.

2008-04-04T15:19:00.000-07:00

Singing my thoughts that are unspeakable.

2007-06-16T01:27:00.001-07:00

Do you know
Do you know

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

If birds flying south is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year.
Love, you never know the minute it ends suddenly
I can't get it to speak
Maybe finding all the things it took to save us
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes to see something about me
I'm standing on the edge and I don't know what else to give.

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

How can I love you How can I love you How can I love you How can I love you . . . .

If you just don't talk to me, babe.

I flow through my act
The question is she needed
And decide all the man I can ever be.
Looking at the last 3 years like I did,
I could never see us ending like this.
Seeing your face no more on my pillow
Is a scene that's never happened to me.
But after this episode I don't see, you could never tell the next thing life could be

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

Do you know,
Do you know,
Do you know,

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed.

2007-05-27T16:33:00.000-07:00

Dubai, United Arab Emirates (East of Saudi Arabia-right next door)

http://www.dwellblog.com/index.php?itemid=35
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:DXB.jpg
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dubai

THE WORLD
Ever wish the world was smaller? This group of more than 250 man-made islands was designed to resemble the entire world when seen from the air. The islands, which range from 250,000 to 900,000 square feet, can be bought by individual developers or private owners -- starting at $6.85 million. The only way to get between each island is by boat...or yacht.

Palm Island
The Palm Islands, also referred to as The Palm Dubai and The Palms, are the three largest man-made islands in the world. Its concept was announced in May 2002 and the three resort islands are expected to maintain Dubai's position as a premium tourist destination.

(Left to right: The Palm Deira, The Palm Jebel Ali, The Palm Jumeirah)

HYDROPOLIS
This hotel, the world's first underwater luxury resort, brings new meaning to the "ocean-view room." Situated 66 feet below the surface of the Persian Gulf, Hydropolis will feature 220 guest suites. Reinforced by concrete and steel, its Plexiglas walls and bubble-shaped dome ceilings offer sights of fish and other sea creatures. It's scheduled to open in late 2007.

SPORTS CITY
A standout section of the sprawling, 3-billion-square-foot theme-park-like development known as Dubailand, Sports City will offer visitors a staggering variety of athletic venues, from elegant, gigantic stadia to state-of-the-art participatory parks for skateboarding, indoor rock climbing, and other activities. Not to mention facilities for polo, car racing, golf, and extreme sports.

Golden Dome
If ever built the tower will have 3,000 luxury townhomes, a 1,000 six star hotel, 500 standard offices, a 50,000 square meter convention and sports arena, a 23,000-space car park, and a shopping mall. Modern Magnetic levitation wagons are designed to carry up to five automobiles with people in them, will run a spiral ramp around the tower, carrying people to their desired floor of the building.

Dublailand Dinosaur Park
First ever Mideast dinosaur park. A famous company is constructing the convincing prehistoric creatures which will be moved into the downtown Dubailand area in 2007. Superior construction, supported by extensive scientific research, has been built into each creature. Using five giant glass domes, one of which is an actual temperature-controlled bio-dome, the planet Earth will be portrayed in three eras: the beginning of time, the peak of the dinosaur era, and the extinction of dinosaurs. The domes will feature state of the art, life-size dinosaurs that are electronically controlled. As well as the five domes, visitors can enjoy the experience of a 'future zone,' where they can get a broad idea of the effects of evolution and of changes in the environment.

Burj Dubai
The triple-lobed footprint of the building is based on an abstracted desert flower native to the region. Burj Dubai will become the world's tallest building, along with the world's tallest man-made structure when it is completed. The highest residential floor will be level 109. An observation deck will occupy the 124th floor. Estimated completion date and total height is unclear, but will most likely be completed in 2008.

Trump Tower
What do you get when you mix the Donald and the Middle East’s most exciting city? Trump International Hotel and Tower, this 48 storey building will be finished in 2009.

SO UNIQUE, AMAZING AND CREATIVE!!!

2007-05-27T12:04:00.000-07:00

Dubai is quite amazing in its growth and designs. I can't help but think that the pace and quality of growth has to do with oil. Dubai obviously benefits greatly from oil, but I believe it's much more than 3% as wikipedia suggests. I could of course be wrong, but reading its history, they were very smart with their trading strategies,(e.g., the smuggling trade to India of gold ingots and lowering trade tax brackets to lure traders away from other trade hubs). It's funny that we've went to war all around this place and it has only benefited...don't you think?

2007-05-24T14:40:00.000-07:00

It’s very weird for me to not feel ANYTHING about Christianity, but there you have it. Since the accident, I feel nothing about religion. I used to always at least talk to God and pray to him even during times I wasn’t going to church or as close and connected to God as I should be and had been in the past. There are times, just out of habit, I’ll start to say something to him, but I catch myself and stop mid sentence. At first I would even start to pray to him, but would also stop immediately. I don’t understand why really, because I’m not mad at him for what happened and I don’t blame him.
The only thing I can think of is that maybe I just can’t believe because of what I experienced in the hospital while I was out. Another possibility, which is something I had realized before the accident while I was doing some inner searching, is that I can’t trust anyone…not even God. I’ve been let down, lied to, betrayed, and abandoned by everyone I’ve ever trusted, so I guess that’s caused me to not even trust the one who had supposedly created me. I had started to trust someone a while back, but as I started to let more of me out and all of him in, my heart was broken and my cause for distrust was reinforced.
Maybe I feel this way about God because of the feeling that a part of me is already dead and is nowhere. When I look at a picture of me, clothes that I used to wear, my bedroom that used to be my safe haven, I feel it all belongs to someone else. The girl in the photos is not me. The clothes in the closet are worn by someone who is able to wear them and look nice. The bedroom occupied by a girl who is happy, looking bright to the future, optimistic, creative, pretty, who has a purpose…the room occupied by a girl who deserves it.
This is not my life. This is not who I am. The real me is lost or at least half of me dead.
Either way, I’ll find my way back I’m sure, I hope, I wish, but not able to pray (at least not yet).

CAN'T WAIT TO COME BACK

2007-05-22T14:42:00.000-07:00

May 21, 2007
I’m terrified! I have so many emotions running through me right now. What’s the point of this life? And why treasure it when someone can so quickly and easily take it away?
Today there was court for the man who assaulted me. I had already made the decision not to go. I’ve been trying to focus only on surviving and recovering; I’m not ready to fully face what he’s done, so I certainly wouldn’t be able to handle being in the same room or seeing him in court. I don’t know what happened today, I’ve spoke and seen no one. Except for my roommates, Zan and Krissi, when they came home. I just can’t. I’m not pleasant or exciting to be around, so what’s the point. Why bring anyone down?
Since the accident, I always watch comedy to try to bring my spirits up and keep things light. Last night my sister, her boyfriend, and I watched a movie that I knew wasn’t a comedy, but had NO IDEA it was…what it was. At the end I WAS DEVISTATED!!! I didn’t cry when it happened, because there were other people around. The movie ended a few minutes later and I shut myself in my room to get a hold of myself, but I couldn’t control the hurt. I cried so hard I had trouble catching the tiniest breath. A movie has never done this to me and it’s embarrassing. There was a 15 year old boy in the movie who was begging for his life. His friend, made to calm him down, told the boy everything was going to be okay and he wasn’t going to let anything bad happen to him. The boy calmed and trusted his friend. His friend was lying straight to his face. The boy was saying how he didn’t want to die, then another guy hit him and then shot him. It brought to surface so many emotions I had been trying to ignore. The visions/dreams I had when I was out during the 2 ½ weeks after the accident, where I too was begging someone for my life and begging for them to not let me die or to not kill me, all came back. The near death experience, or dream or whatever you’re supposed to call it, that left me thinking and feeling I was actually dead when I woke in the hospital…I felt that feeling again. The distrust I had for the doctors, nurses, and even Zan when they were trying to convince me that I was alive and the constant reassurance from them that if I was alive they were in fact NOT going to kill me, I once again had that same distrust for the world. The horrifying fear that little boy felt before his life was so quickly and senselessly taken, feels so familiar. How he was told that everything was going to be okay when in fact nothing was, is a constant fear I fight.
I should be stronger than this!!!!

2007-05-19T19:07:00.000-07:00

2007-05-16T10:59:00.001-07:00

This explains Scientology 'behind the scenes'.
There are a lot of murders that happen in the world, not all of them have to do with the persons religion.
I think I was shocked most about the ways of scientology, not the murder. They purposely went for celebrity's and they tricked people into coming to church by a machine that even states it has no actual purpose.

Scientology - The Elli Perkins Story
Uploaded by XENUTV

2007-05-15T17:02:00.000-07:00

I at times find it very difficult if not impossible to say how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. I assume this is due to the constant struggles within. I also do not trust others with my feelings. I try not to judge anyone or anything because you never know the WHOLE situation or what’s behind the scenes or what fate has in store. This causes the never ending tug-of-war within, making it difficult for some to calculate my thoughts or feelings at any given time…including myself. I’ll feel one way one minute and then after thinking of all sides, I’ll feel another way another minute.

I’ve recently realized I’m over understanding. With trying not to pass judgment I take understanding to the extreme and it’s put me in harmful situations and has even left me traumatized. People often tell me I’m to understanding and that I forgive way too much. Of course I have moments when I have no room for understanding, but once calmed down I rationalize different aspects and usually tend to give everything a reason for its occurrence. After doing that how could you not be forgiving? If everything has a reason, then there’s no one to damn. Everyone makes mistakes. The one thing that I do not forgive easily is being lied to, (and that means not being told certain things as well).

2007-05-08T17:36:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since writing for anyone to see, much less for myself. I haven't even been on the site since forever.
Since being hit by a car March 6, 2007, life has been hard and scary to say the least and the future hard to picture.

I've put so much energy toward just being strong and not troubling anyone, that I've pretty much buried deep my emotions so not to face them. It's an obstacle I just haven't deemed necessary to come to terms with yet. However, they always find a way to sneak their way out from time to time. My mind constantly races with billions of thoughts and feelings at a single moment. I started feeling a bit crazy and decided if I didn't let some things out I would eventually go insane. I feel uncomfortable verbally speaking about things a lot of times and end up nervously going round and round, so writing is surely best unless I'm just in the mood for talking. I don't believe I'm near the point of writing or speaking about my current situation, but writing about everything other than will at least make room inside this hurricane of thoughts, feelings, experiences, memories, and feared emotions.
Just to let everyone know where I'm at right now: I need space. I need time. I'm not really up for socialization. I'm not really up for going anywhere. I'm in the middle of sorting, dealing, scheduling, and planning my life.
I don't know what the future holds, I only know what I wish to take place.
AMAZING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE HELPS BEYOND WORDS!!! You help me stay strong and when I feel worthless and hopeless, you help me fight. You all know who you are and I love you!

2006-06-18T13:40:00.000-07:00

I am doing my best to take it easy...it is very hard. Yesterday I cleaned the house just a little and ended up hurting myself further. I was in a lot of pain and by the time I reached Sheer Reflections a migrane from hell had come over me. I went to Sheer Reflections to see my Mom and Aunt Margaret while Zan's Mom (Kim) did their hair. Had to finally lay down in the waxing chair with ice and a cold rag over my head. My Mom went to Hardees and got a vanilla shake for us to share. (I had been craving plain vanilla anything for about a month now.) With that and the ice on my shoulders and rag over my face (not to mention the painkiller) --->I was feeling loads better by the time my family left. Kim saved me a lot of future pain by washing and straightening my hair for me. I OWE HER BIG TIME! That helped me on so many levels and I am forever gratefull.
Zan is gone for the weekend to Atlanta with his Dad (Rob) for Atlanta vs Boston game, (which is Rob's Father's Day gift). They've been shopping and hitting comic book shops from what I've heard this morning. I, of course, think this is soooo awesome!! It's so neat to have a father to bond with and to share interests. I know Zan looks up to his father very much and am happy that he has this weekend adventure with him. I miss him greatly and cant wait for his return to hear about their journey.
Today for the most part I have taken it pretty easy. I've watched one of my favorite movies, 'Monster-In-Law', while I iced and heated like the doctor ordered. Finished all the laundry and checked my email. I think I've done pretty well today. I think the reason it's so hard for me to lay and relax is because I don't like T.V. that much at all. There are very few shows that I consider worth my time of being unproductive....and those are all off til next season. It's just so much more nice to sit outside on the patio with my laptop. So now that I'm done with "movie time" and almost done with "computer time", I'm going to go visit my foster father for Fathers Day. When I get back I'm definately going to take it easy with a book I'm reading called 'The Time Traveler's Wife'.

2006-06-18T13:23:00.000-07:00

2006-06-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

This TOTALLY sucks! I would so love to have at least a full 6 hours of sleep and be able to eat normal again. I know it's not good for my blood sugar to only eat once or twice a day.
I hate having to depend on others to do things for me. Simple tasks such as opening a door for me pisses me off to no end. I can not wait for this whole situation to be done.
I really miss my car. It was my favorite and do not know what I'm going to do if the guys insurance company claims my car a total loss as everyone in the collision shop says.
My birthday was wonderful and am very grateful that I have that to be thankful for.
Goal for the next 5 days: Completely listen to my doctors by not pretending my body is normal and that I'm not injured and that I can do everything I used to without consequence.

2006-05-31T18:50:00.000-07:00

I've been contemplating what career to choose. It is very hard. I have no idea what would be ideal for me due to the many interests I have. There are so many things I'd like to do and learn. I've always said that I'd spend my whole life going to college; earning one degree to another. The things that I'm taking in consideration when trying to choose:

I do/can enjoy
I can still have time for a family
I can still persue my interests and hobbies
I can make a difference in others lives (which is any occupation really-ur helping someone somewhere)
I can be more than just financially stable
I can make others happy
I can put my best qualities to great use
I can consistantly learn new things everyday (which is a hobby for me)

I'm very frustrated. The only real comfort I have is that every job I've had, regardless if I knew anything about the industry or not, I've conquered and was really good. I know that whatever I choose will be fine, but I not knowing. It doesn't help that I was supposed to have at least my first degree already. Now I'm about to turn 24 and feel my time is running away from me.

2006-05-31T13:15:00.000-07:00

I've recently been in a car accident and do not enjoy being stuck at home and in pain. However it has given me the chance to finally start this blog.
Zan has been wonderful. He picked me up from the scene of the accident and carried me to my Doctor's Office and waited with me. He went to get me some ice and then waited for me to be done. Afterwards he bought us sandwiches at Jasons Deli right around the corner in the same plaza letting me sit in the nearest booth so everyone wouldn't see my soaked pants from the ice bag that leaked. (What a gentleman really) I thought it was just too sweet when on the way to his vehicle he took my bag so I wouldn't have to carry so much and hurt my back further. He took great care of me when we got home setting me up with my labtop on the couch and a glass of ice water. He's the best and just having him there made me feel better.